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Adjustment To A New Life

Understanding Life in an Orphanage: Life from Your Child's Point of View

Most children available for adoption have been in an orphanage and will be used to living with a group of children and following rules. Even if the orphanage provides good health care and proper nutrition, children without one-to-one contact will show certain effects. Your child has probably never been alone. Though you might think a child in an orphanage has learned to take care of himself, the opposite may be true. Due to the large number of children, independence is not always encouraged. Try to imagine cleaning up after 20 small children trying to feed themselves. Many children also will not have had anything they could call their own and therefore have no concept of personal possessions-- yours or theirs.

Try not to overwhelm a child too early with many toys and activities, trips or visits to relatives. An institutionalized child's world is a very orderly and limited one. Many have never ridden in a car or even been off the grounds of the orphanage. Your child may be fearful. If your child has been in a place where no men were present, she may be scared of men. Pets also sometimes cause fear in children who have never been around animals. Introduce pets slowly. Your child will also have to deal with dietary changes. You can help her cope by having familiar foods on hand.

Naming Your Child: A Child's Sense of Self

Bestowing a name on a child is one of the fundamental ways parents claim children as their own. For adoptive parents, however the matter of naming a child can be problematic. By the time children are school-age, most parents realize that a name change would be hard-- that names are very much tied up with a child's sense of self. Keep in mind that children, even before their first birthday, know their first names and respond to them. What do you do if your child already has a name by which he's identified and that he recognizes? What type of confusion will occur if you change the name?

As the parent of a foreign-born child, you may want to change your child's name if it is difficult to say or spell, retaining the first or last name as a middle name. If you do decide to change your child's name, then consider picking a name that's similar to the original. You'll want to ease your child into the name change gradually, using the new name as well as his original given name in conservation.

Living Adjustments: Every Child is Unique

Please remember that while every child may experience many of the same types of adjustments, every child is unique and will have an adjusting style that works for him. Be prepared for a tough time. The transfer from one environment to another, one culture to another, and to a different set of people is certainly a traumatic event for a child and would be for many adults as well. The adjustment may start with what is called the "honeymoon" period. The child and parent are on their best behavior. Things are calm. This is the time when parents likely report that the child made a rapid adjustment into family life.

However, the calm is deceptive. Eventually the exhilaration wears off and he longs for the familiar. Be it two weeks or two months after the child enters the home, the "testing" period will begin. The child will show his anger often violently, and stop being obedient. He will exhibit a range of behaviors, both good and bad, and see how the parents react and deal with the behavior. It is not uncommon for adopted children to have behavioral problems, acting out through temper tantrums. The child is testing you to see if you will say 'enough is enough' and send him back. During the "testing time" your child is trying to fit himself into the family and figure out what the rules and routines in the household are and how they affect him. Your child needs to know what you expect of him.

Your child may also regress. Her behavior will tell you, "I need attention." She may wet the bed or soil herself. She may have difficulty separating, clinging to one parent or another child in the family, and will have fears. Bedtime may be particularly trying. Many children from orphanages are not used to sleeping in a bed or room alone. They may have night terrors or erratic sleep patterns. Try to simulate your child's previous sleeping environment at first to ease the transition. Your child may have food issues in the beginning, overreacting to the abundance of food or even hoarding. Your child may experience hyperactivity or have frequent mood changes. Your child may appear to be "everyone's child" and go readily to strangers, showing no excitement when Mom or Dad come to pick them up from a day-care situation.

Often adopted children want to go through the stages of their childhood that they may have missed. An older child entering a family may act several different ages at one time. An eight year old may want to be cuddled or rocked. Your child's need for parenting may cause him to relive pieces of his life that he missed with you.

In summary, during the adjustment period you can expect your child to experience some or all of the following:

a "honeymoon" period

"testing" you with negative behaviors

regression in previously mastered skills

sleep disturbances

issues with food

frequent mood changes

hyperactivity

difficulty separating or attachment distress

acting several ages at one time

Allowing Your Child. to Grieve: Grieving Is Normal

Grieving is the normal reaction to this big change and loss of everything that is familiar even if it is not positive. Experts liken the adopted child's grieving and attachment process to the experience one has when a loved one dies.

Grief is often characterized by two stages. The following are common factors which often occur in these stages.

PHASE ONE: EARLY GRIEF

Shock and numbing

Children may respond with little emotion or appear to be in a 'daze'.

Alarm

A physical reaction may occur such as a rise in heart rate, muscular tension, sweating, dry mouth, bowel and bladder relaxation, shortness of breath.

Children appear to be more susceptible to infection undergoing the tremendous stress of loss and change.

Insomnia is also a common response to loss or change.

PHASE TWO: ACUTE GRIEF

Yearning and pining

Developmental regressions are common at this stage. Regression in skills preciously mastered, may manifest itself in potty training, bed wetting, or feeding one's self.

Parents can be encouraged that the regression is only temporary and children may need a time to retreat to former behaviors as a way to cope.

Searching and Bargaining

Children are absorbed in and passionate about their loss. They display a compulsive need to talk about "groupa" or the children at the orphanage.

Children may demonstrate a sense of expecting something to happen. They may talk about going to "groupa" or seeing the children from there.

Restlessness or hyperactivity may occur at this stage.

Parents may feel a sense of rejection, but need to acknowledge their child's grief and allow them to express these feelings.

Strong feelings: anger, guilt, and shame

Outbursts of anger are to be expected at this stage. Facing this onslaught of anger without pulling away a hurting child will demand strength, wisdom, and empathy from the adoptive parents. There will be times when discipline is appropriate.

Despair

Depression is common at this stage of grieving. Children often are unable to disclose what they are thinking or feeling, but will demonstrate a change in sleeping habits and eating habits.

Unexplained crying may also occur during this stage. This stage is usually short.

Adoptive parents need to be willing to walk down this painful road with their child. Following are some suggestions that will help provide your child with needed support:

Allow your child to express his feelings of sadness, anger, or grief. What your child is feeling is important and real.

Keep the home schedule relatively free of constant activity. These children need time to think and experience their grief. Constant motion is not what they need.

Remember the importance of physical touch. Researchers say that people need eight to ten touches a day to maintain physical and emotional health. Children feel strength from a parent who sits close to them when they are having strong feelings.

Reorganization

Brighter countenance and a better frame of mind characterize this final stage of grieving. After walking through the stages of separation and loss these children have reorganized their lives to incorporate their new environment and loved ones.

Adjusting to a New Language: Communicating Without Words

You may have heard that most children learned English in six months. It may be true that they have mastered necessary nouns and verbs by then. Being able to communicate your feelings and express what they are experiencing is much more difficult.

Do remember that while a child may not understand what you are saying, he does understand the tone of your voice. Make the transition from your child's native language to English easier, by finding other ways to communicate. Use body language and homemade signs. Draw pictures if necessary. Do whatever is necessary to keep your child informed of what events are about to take place.

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