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International Adoption - Becoming Mom And Dad |
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Developing an Emotional Attachment: Bonding With Your Child
Bonding is an attachment of trust that develops as your children learn you will love them and protect them. The parent's decision to adopt, to reach out to a child, to meet his needs, is an act of love. This form of love is developed through an intellectual decision and the will to parent and nurture a child. The act of nurturing a child will eventually result in an emotional response from the child and the caretaker to each other. Bonding is one of the most important parts of a child's development- it is not a one-time, do-it-or-lose-it experience. Here are some suggestions to enhance bonding:
- Limit introduction of new people
- Practice being physically close
- Try to duplicate former environments
- Study each other's faces by face to face interaction
- Use tantrums & discipline as opportunity to bond
- Foster independence and trust
If you are adopting a toddler your child may have missed the development of trust stage that normally occurs in the first year. Trying to do two stages at once-- to foster independence and to also make sure the child is given the positives that come from that first year when the parent usually "babies" the baby is a tricky balancing act.
The bonding process can take up to two years under normal circumstances and with a child who has had breaks in attachment and other negatives it may take even longer. This process is different for each baby or child and it takes time and cannot be hurried. Every child in a family by birth or adoption, needs parents who love and think he's the most wonderful child in the world.
Adjusting to Parenthood: Postadoption Stress
It's not supposed to be this way. You're feeling depressed, irritable, fatigued, tense, inadequate, and overwhelmed. Everything seems up in the air, in turmoil. Your family is changing. It's disorganized. New relationships are being established. The waiting and the tension surrounding the wait are gone. Now you wonder when things will ever settle back to normal. But what is normal? Not the way it used to be.
If you are experiencing feelings of incompetence, don't let it get you down. Try to view these feelings as simply a sign that you've got learning to do. While you can prepare in advance for a child in some ways, most of the learning process really begins when your child is in your home.
Recognize what is happening. Seek out supports. Be sure to leave some time for yourself. Do what you feel you can. Leave what can wait until tomorrow.
Postadoption Support: Strengthening Your Support System
The adjustment process may take months, but it can also take years. Just because a family "finalizes" an adoption in court doesn't mean that the adjustment process is ended. Children's and families' timetables are different than those of agencies and courts. Building a family by adoption is different than building a family by birth, and adoptive families must meet adoption-related issues head-on. Often you will handle them within your own family. At-other times, however, you may want to turn to others for support and guidance. There are also a number of books available that can help answer such questions as "Is this adopted-related?", or "What should I say when my child says, "You aren't my real mother." Seek out information that can help you through the tough times.
You may have joined a parent group before you ever identified your child. Now that your child is in your house, the temptation may be to let your membership lapse as your family settles in. Don't. Parent groups are not for plucking information from and discarding once you achieve the goal of a child. A parent group gives you the chance to talk with people who've had similar experiences, to share with them your knowledge and to draw upon them for support. Groups with an international focus often sponsor cultural events for families. You can also raise questions that vex you. And your child can get to know and interact with it other adopted children. Do whatever it takes to obtain the support you need, even if it means starting a support group of your own.
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